A balance

This weekend has been a weekend where I did a lot of thinking and praying! You all have no idea now close I was to stopping school for awhile. My body is so tired, the problems with adjusting to Imuran, dealing with prednisone, and the full time job plus homework and research. The past few weeks have been nothing short of torture. I have been beyond exhausted….the pain so intense I literally want to claw off my skin. So tired that I even struggle to drive some days. In tears because I just want my pain to stop. Yes the past few weeks have been intense pain.

Probably the second hardest part of this is living with a smile on my face so that people don’t know how bad it truly is for me. I put makeup on in the morning to cover the exhaustion, a cute professorial outfit to hide the exhaustion and pain, and a cute pair of shoes so no one can go wow what is wrong with you. Yes you and I could probably win an Oscar!

Like you do, I hold the pain inside many days. The RA has swollen my hands, knees, feet and hips horribly. And I believe the RA has moved into my back and neck, thank goodness for a heating pad!! And the Fibro has really started to irritate my ears, I am sooooo sensitive to sound these days! Not sure why. This weekend I picked up a second pair of glasses, my eyes are so dry thanks to Sjogrens but I do think the biotene toothpaste helps soooo much! Living with pain 24/6 365 is beyond draining. I don’t thin people realize especially how draining it can be emotionally. Today I missed my women’s bible study for the third week in a row. And I missed our social…where was I???? In bed, in tears upset because I could move this morning and angry at my body. Do you ever get that way? Where you feel your body is a prison! It decides in the snap of a finger whether you are getting up…or moving! And it is sooo frustrating.

I have also realized how so much of this journey is an emotional battle. These past few days as I have considered putting my education on hold ….I have see how pushing through the pain and the fatigue is such a mental battle. I have to mentally fight myself to get up, read, and write my paper. I had to search deep inside for a reason to keep pushing on. One reason…my late father! I want to make him proud by finishing this task. A second reason is myself, I have wanted to finish this degree for years now…I am do close….I cannot stop. From various friends I got …take a break, slow down, stop for now, now sure why you are even doing it, etc. While only a few said to keep pushing…those few touched my heart. Giving me yet more strength to push onward educationally.

I managed to write a paper, read a book, and read my homework. I made some movement on my research, I am meeting with my dissertation chair on Wednesday. I am learning some great lessons from research…research is not easy but it is fun! I also decided I would break my workweek down a bit, I will spend two days a week on finance homework, two days a week on curriculum home work, and then at least one to two days on researching for my dissertation. This will keep me on top, focused and hopefully I can work in more rest.

I am learning naps are critical and to use my times if energy. Unfortunately I am drinking five hour energies or Monsters sugar free to help with energy. I am trying to avoid a lot of soda and I am drinking a lot of water and hot tea. Little things like resting (granted that is big), drinking lots of water, and keeping up with all my meds….I hope this will help me finish this semester successfully.

I am positive that my sacrifice now….will pay off later! At least I hope that is true! :) and another positive this weekend my hubby and I went and got pedicures, and I got my nails done. I am a huge proponent of self maintenance…it helped me relax and feel better. Granted tonight I’m paying for the hot stone leg massage but that’s ok. It was worth it.

I hope I’ve been able to share something that was weighing on my heart. I appreciate everyone who is behind me. I greatly appreciated those in my life that are true friends, encouraging me and keeping me going. True friends are there and it is a two way street, true friends are not the ones who only contact you when they need something or if they want something from you…true friends are always there in your life because they want to help you and you want to help them. Hang on to those true friends….as we can see this life has many ups and downs!

Off to get ready for Monday! Many prayers and spoons! And here are pictures of my nails…camera is acting up a bit :(